That It Not Have To Be Worse

Thoughts here and thoughts elsewhere, where things ARE WORSE:

April 4, 1999

As I laid in bed, tossing and turning with queasiness, my thoughts got increasingly louder until I got up and took some medicine. It's Easter and my thoughts turn to family. I know I'm in their prayers today.

They're far away, and seem far away emotionally (with the grateful exception of my Mother). But I know they think of me. I know they are all glad I was born. I don't have the pain that comes from not being wanted or being thought a burden.

My Mother has lamented that her relationships with men didn't turn out the way she had hoped. But in compensation for those pains, she's been glad of the children which resulted. She's often said the two best things in her life has been her children. As the years go by, and the years between us seem smaller, we've become friends. She gave me a magnetic plaque for the refrigerator which says "You're good at being my daughter, and even better at being my friend." When we talk on the phone, each of our voices raising with excitement, we do seem more like two mature women sharing thoughts, feelings and events of the day, than mother-daughter. It's one of the blessings of time.

The Mother of one of our friends had told her child, after learning of her transsexuality, that she wished her child had never been born. Such wounds cut deep and rarely heal. I know my Gramma never felt like that. I know Aunt June and the rest of my fundamentalist family don't feel that way. They pray mightily that I see the error of my 'chosen lifestyle', and be 'born again', but I know that never even once did such a life negating thought enter their heads. They think of how my talents could be used as a mouthpiece for the Lord and really do tremble and fear for my mortal soul. So on this anniversary of their Risen Lord, they are praying with increased fervency for my redemption.

I DO know things could be worse.

I wonder what sort of Easter those people over in Yugoslavia are having. Bombs landing in Belgrade, the roughly 600,000 driven from their homes, and even tortured. Oh, yes, I do know things could always be worse.

I pray that it not have to BE worse.

© Joan Ann Lansberry
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